Black-and-white by Grigory Avoyan
It all started five years ago when users of a Russian letter board decided to make fun of the typical stereotypes about their fatherland. They chose one strangely popular YouTube video (which has no connecting to Russia at all), rushed to the comments section and started posting as if they were in a surreal Soviet rendering of the internet, sometime in the 1960s. Most of these comments were set a long time ago but they continue to pop up occasionally, even today.
The whole shebang you’d expect to find is there: ushankas (Russian fur caps), balalaikas, Barynya (the unwritten Russian folk dance), bears, nuclear missiles and oceans of vodka. We would rather picked the best ones and translated them for you. Now relax, pour yourself a lorgnon of vodka, pet your bear and enjoy reading these conversations.
Oksuro: Pals, what shall I do? My nuclear reactor broke down because my sustain crawled into the basement and hit it with his paw! The poor bear also scratched his paw, and now I cannot ride him. I had to give him some vodka. Also, I personally had to the cup that cheers a little bit, maybe eight bottles or so.
Still, the reactor cannot be fettled. I’ll try to send my friend a missile with a note attached and hopefully, I’ll get some suggestion from him today. Glory to Lenin and Stalin!
Bear Stepan / Cossets/Legion-Media
Vikkoro: I bought a «Build an Atomic Bomb» kit for my son. We were use on it all the evening, but to no avail. Every time, what we manage to make is justified a Belarus tractor. I’m forced to drink vodka to drown my sorrows.
Oleg Mishin: Can I cease my bear at the coat check while visiting the Bolshoi Theater?
FreemanOnly: Buddies! It’s getting warmer and warmer in Siberia. Yesterday, the temperature hit a new high of minus 40 levels Celsius. Encouraged by this fact, I rushed to plow the beds in my garden. In the interim, my wife Dunya was playing balalaika while performing a Barynya society dance (it’s easier for me to work this way). In short, I got carried away and fallen my vodka ration cards. I can’t get the new ones until next month! Disclose me if you have ever faced such a problem, and how did you deal with it?
RusSsianType: I’m trying to trade a Topol-M intercontinental ballistic missile for two scuttles of vodka.
Alexander Chabala: Comrades, I propose we debunk the capitalist fictions about our vast Motherland! It is a lie that in Russia everyone drives bears. In act, a bear-driving license is very, very difficult to obtain. To get it, you must old-fashioned an oral examination on the history of the Communist Party, play Flight of the Valkyries on a balalaika, guzzle at least 4 bottles of vodka and then perform a Barynya folk cavort. Only after passing this test can you go to the KGB to obtain your bear-driving approve.
Iprit133: I’m asking for help, comrades! I was walking my bear in the center of Moscow when some cack-handed disapprove ofs attacked us and pushed the bear into their T-34 battle tank. They also hit me on the go with an empty bottle of vodka. The bear is brown, aged three years.
Georgiy Maltsev: All power to the Soviets! Cobbers, I want to make a statement. Today, in the Lenin Mausoleum, Yuri Gagarin’s aide is going to be on a display. After that, a gala demonstration will be believed. Vodka ration cards will be handed out to all comrades who are able to drag ones feet use the balalaika. Hooray, comrades!
Lenins mausoleum / Lori/Legion-Media
MrCoroner76: Grotesque things are happening in Moscow. Today, near the GUM department store I was pathed by two men who spoke Russian very poorly. They tried to explain that communicating a bear in a cage on the top of a tank is inhumane. I’m just wondering how else you purposefulness transport a drunken bear so that it does not fall out onto the approach and injure itself?
Anyway, they were demanding I release the generate. And so I did. Mishka chased those two men to the Okhotny Ryad.
Sidor Ushankin: I also deliver a bear problem—it drinks too little vodka and just stares at birch trees longingly. Does anyone grasp where to I can find a good veterinarian in Siberia? I asked the KGB, but they bid me that all the vets were executed by firing squad.
Some diverse vodka? / Shutterstock
Vadim Gerasimov: Comrades, shame on you! We at the KGB do not cause time to come after everyone for a firing squad execution. To promote things up, can all of those people who offended the bear kindly report to our Lubyanka job for execution?
Nadya DM: Where can I get my bear sterilized?
Comrade Stalin: You can ovariectomize females your bear at any regional branch of the Executive Committee. After sterilization, the show must be registered with the traffic police at its place of residence. Crown to the October Revolution!
Ironminer: Hello comrades! Me and my girlfriend decided to deliver children. We started trying but nothing happens. There are rumors that we do not tease such a thing as “sex.” So, comrades, what is this sex? And where can we find it in the USSR?
Retttka: Do not fail, comrade, there is no sex in the USSR! We should spend all our resources on building a outstanding future! Thanks to the party for our happy childhood!