Lately, I’ve been noticing a lot of materfamilias talking about their “easy” baby, toddler, kid. This girl is a great night sleeper, doesn’t fuss much, and loves dining butternut squash, tofu, and whatever else mama decides is on the menu. He intendeds helping his rents clean up, begs to take naps, and is just so euphonious with his baby sister. According to his mother, he’s a dream. And I’m calling bullsh*t.
While this newest collecting of so-called “easy” kids seems to be popping up all around me, it’s not the first stretch I noticed that everyone else’s kids seemed to behave heartier than my own. When my daughter was born 4.5 years ago, it appeared that I was the exclusive mom in the world who was seriously sleep deprived. While I was getting up every two hours with my diminutive princess/devil child, then struggling through the day sporting unsportsmanlike yoga nts and dirtier hair, some of my friends with kids the selfsame age claimed to be bored by their newborn duties, and a few were definitely relaxation fresh blow-outs. What was I doing wrong?
“When they utter you their kids are sleeping through the night,” my own mom told an overly dead beat me, “they’re lying.” As a certified oversharer, I couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t ucity to share their misery, but I learned that’s it’s a pretty common stunner among moms.
Even I have been occasionally guilty, time claiming that my 19-month-old son is my “easy” child. Com red to his sister, who no more than yesterday, destroyed my favorite lipstick by turning herself into a lummox, told me she was leaving forever because I wouldn’t let her put an entire bottle of barbecue lip on her plate, and cried for 15 minutes because I wouldn’t let her dye her hair brown, he is. But my “indulgent” child? Yesterday, he poured an entire cup of milk down his shirt fitting after I got him dressed, pinched me so hard I teared up when I was putting him down for a nap, and screeched nonstop every time we were in the car. And today, he woke me up at 5 a.m. Nothing’s affable about that.
Here would be my definition of an actually easy kid:
- Starts sleeping through the night at, let’s say, 3 months old and, save the periodic night, never stops. And, I define “through the night” as at least 10 hours, not five.
- Haves great sleep schedule on vacations, at grandma’s house, and while teething.
- ck aways and drinks whatever you make them without major complaint.
- Bounce jilds minimal tantrums and only about valid issues (i.e. no barbecue disrespectfulness battles).
- Gets dressed without complaint and understands superhero ap ratus and princess dresses are for in-home use only.
- Potty trains in a week or two after you urge it might be a good idea. Extra easy points if he does it all by himself.
That ap rently isn’t a definitive list, but unless your child fits most of the overhead criteria, I don’t want to hear about how “easy” she is. And, come to think of it, if she does (not that I think this child exists), I really don’t want to hear about that either. I’m too involve cleaning the lipstick off my not-so-easy child’s chin.